advocates & articles
Overly Competitive Team Sports
Dear Dr. Dellasega,
My 12-year-old daughter, Anni, is a good swimmer, but she refuses to try out for the swim team because she says, "the girls are too competitive." She won't consider the other sports I suggest for similar reasons. Should I force her to join anyway? My husband and I both think it would be a good experience for her.
– Lorna
Dear Lorna,
It's a common thing for moms (and dads) to want their daughters to take advantage of all the opportunities that didn't exist for girls a relatively short time ago. While boys have been able to play organized sports for at least a century, teams for young women weren't guaranteed until Title IX legislation passed in 1972. Some experts think there are still major discrepancies between genders when it comes to funding sports at all levels.
There are obviously many benefits to athletics for girls. Team activities are a great way to connect with peers and learn how to work together to achieve goals. As her parents, your belief that Anni should be physically active and fit is also important.
However, the word I noticed first in your letter is "competitive." The fact that Anni has already checked out who's on the swim team and perhaps observed their behavior suggests she has at least considered the idea of joining — and for now, rejected it. That doesn't have to remain a permanent or absolute decision, or one that prevents her from being part of a team in the future.
Since she's already a good swimmer, you can help her keep improving and building her confidence in other ways. You and your husband are on the same page about keeping her involved with the sport, so perhaps you can take turns swimming laps with her and even challenging her to improve her performance. There might be an older girl from the high school swim team who could not only teach her new skills but act as a great mentor. Either of these options will keep her engaged with a sport she knows she can do.
If you think she just needs a bit more support and have the resources, a smaller private team might be a less threatening option, or perhaps the coach of the team you've identified would let her try a few practices and see how she finds them. Another possibility is to have Anni get involved on a less intense basis, perhaps timing at swim meets or helping out in other ways that will still give her the team experience.
You've come up with another great strategy, which is to check out different sports. You don't mention whether she has mastered anything besides swimming, but again, taking her to some high school games where she can observe older girls playing and seeing firsthand what opportunities lie ahead might motivate her. You could also check out the sports her friends are involved in, and see if having someone familiar on board makes it more attractive to join a team.
How do you handle the issue of team competition?
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