advocates & articles

Learning to Play

By Jenifer Marshall Lippincott

I don’t remember learning to read; I just remember being able to. I also don’t remember learning to play. Or walk. Or talk. Yet each is a learned behavior. From a classroom called home and teachers (sometimes augmented by siblings) called parents, I, like you and your children, earned a degree called childhood. As an author and perennial student of what makes kids tick, I am always amazed at the frequency of the complaint that kids don’t know how to have fun without outside stimulation. DVDs, TV, virtual worlds. Facebook, trips to the mall, purchases. Then partying, sex, drugs.

I talk to parents, and more parents, who lament that their kids refuse to accompany them, talk to them, even have meals with them. Too busy, too tired, don’t want to. How did this happen? so many parents ask, as if some outside force has taken their children’s attention hostage. Holding it for ransom in exchange for more, better, or something new in the world we have so lavishly equipped, enabled.

What do you like to play with them? I always ask. Too often the stares are blank as if I’m asking parents what surgical procedure they last performed on their children.

As important as it is to teach our children to read, walk or talk, it is just as important to teach them to play, with us, then with others. We teach our daughters about the different kinds of play: family play, home play, friend play, school play, boy play. Each kind is distinct and important in its own right; all coexisting in, and defining, a single world, their world.

If the notion of play begins at home, it will always be associated that way, which means they will want to come back to it. So before it’s too late (which it hardly ever is), here’s where to start:

1. Invite them to join you. Because you really want them to. Make it personal — and mean it. You’ve carved out the time. It’ll be fun; you’ll make it so by being in the mood. They can postpone it, if for good reason, but they can’t decline. No is not an option; when can be. It’s a family expectation — establish it that way and it will be so. Like a meal, church or any family time. A game, a walk, an adventure, a book, a project, a trip, even a chore, almost anything qualifies as long as it’s only about enjoying each other, having fun. Make them feel wanted, invited, but expected to join. Do it often, but not too often. Often enough to establish the pattern.

2. Don’t be afraid to get on the floor. Eye level, literally and figuratively, where you are not commanding but sharing. Whether they are two, eight, twelve or twenty, the best way to connect with them and let them see you is at eye level. Without words, let your eyes communicate that, for at least those few minutes, you are entirely in the game, the moment. No distractions, no interference.

3. Finish. Even if it’s just one game, one scene with Barbie^®, one picture. Don’t get up — to answer the phone, move the clothes to the dryer, respond to another child. Let them know that they are worthy of your time and enjoy playing with them.

4. Laugh. In most cultures, situations, play, laughing means you’re happy. We all know that laughter is contagious. But someone has to start.

5. Don’t Stop. They never grow too old to play. Even kids who don’t know how can learn. In the car, on a Saturday night, on vacation, with houseguests or awkward relatives after Thanksgiving dinner. Charades, a dictionary game, hangman. An icebreaker, a generation-gap bridge, an alternative. It’s never too late, or old.

What’s your favorite way to play with your daughter?

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Learning to Play

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