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When Good Friends Are a Bad Influence

By Jeanne Muchnick

Leslie Levine of Northbrook, Illinois, never thought she’d be the kind of mother that dragged her kid home at 10 p.m. from a sleepover because she felt uncomfortable about the young host. But that’s what she did when her 12-year-old told her that friends were going out to throw toilet paper on houses in the neighborhood. “When I heard that, I told her I didn’t think that was safe. It made me wonder about the girl whose house she was staying at. And it made me question the parents. Who allows that kind of behavior? And do I really want my kid hanging out with a family that thinks that’s okay?”

For as long as there have been kids and parents — especially when children reach the preteen and teen years — there have been arguments over who’s appropriate to hang out with and who’s not. “It’s almost inevitable that at some time your child will test the waters and be with someone who doesn’t have the same values as you do,” says Barbara Polland, a professor of child development at California State University at Northridge, and the author of several parenting books. Children in the eight to twelve year old range are trying to become more independent from their parents and may be attracted to a “bad” best friend as they take the first steps toward breaking away.

And parents who’ve been in these situations say that the more you try to restrict or forbid the relationship, the more your child wants to be with this person. What’s a parent to do?

One suggestion that Lynn Podolsky of Mamaroneck, New York, found worked with her nine-year-old daughter, was to find ways to get to know the “bad” friend better. “I made a point of encouraging my daughter to invite her friend over so I could keep this ‘rebel’ under my supervision. I also wanted to see what it was that my child found so attractive about this person. By not saying anything negative about this new friend, my daughter was more willing to tell me things.”

Arlene Pollin of Bethesda, Maryland, went a step further, making her house the “fun house” by keeping a refrigerator stocked with food and a family room full of interesting games. “The kids seemed to understand that if they wanted to be together, they would have to play under my rules.” Previously, Pollin had found out that her eleven-year-old son had been making phony phone calls at his friend’s house, which she strongly opposed. They talked about it, and the phone calls stopped. “I let him know that he should suggest another activity when his friend started reaching for the phone. Otherwise, I made it clear that I would have to pick him up early,” she says.

Communication is key, stresses Pollin, and best done without accusations or yelling. “Spell out your expectations — what your child can and can’t do — and what the consequences will be if he/she crosses the line.”

Use these situations and turn them into lessons, she says. It could be an opportunity for your child to be a good influence on the bad friend, rather than the other way around.

She suggests posing questions to your child to get your own message across. For example, ask, “If you were the mom and a friend of your daughter wanted to watch an R-rated movie that you knew wasn’t appropriate for your age, what would you tell her is the right thing to do?”

Leslie Levine, who jokingly calls herself “Officer Leslie,” says she thinks this approach worked with her 12-year-old. “I’ve always tried to empower her with choices, and to have her be aware of our values and trust. I think her call to me that night about the toilet paper incident was really about the fact that she didn’t want to be with these girls and knew it was wrong, but didn’t know how to get herself out of the situation.”

She also advises her daughter to pin the blame on her mother. This avoids embarrassment with those “wilder” friends. “I tell her to tell her friends to say ‘My parents won’t let me,’ or ‘It’s their stupid rule,’ and that often is enough for them to choose another activity,” she says.

Sometimes, though, the situation warrants going past dealing with the child and talking to the parents. This happened to Andrea Smithline of Larchmont, New York, when her nine-year-old daughter, Kayla, started getting porn and other inappropriate emails from her friend Lauren. “Apparently Lauren is very computer savvy and had done something similar before,” says Smithline, who called the parents immediately. “They were great about it and thanked me for informing them — though the two girls didn’t play together for a while because Lauren was mad that Kayla turned her in.”

If you choose to go to the parents directly, be prepared for the fact that they may not agree with you and be defensive. After all, you’re basically accusing them of “bad parenting,” says Michele Borba, an educational psychologist and author of a variety of parenting books, including Building Moral Intelligence. “Use a soft approach. Start the conversation nicely, for example, ‘Our kids have been seeing a lot of each other lately and I wanted to take time to introduce myself to you. We have certain rules in our house which I wanted you to be aware of so you can help reinforce them.’ You don’t have to be best friends with these people, but you should try to get to know them better so you can keep the lines of communication open.”

If you find the situation does not warrant calling the parents, or is something they continue to let their child do, you need to start limiting time with this friend, says Borba. Find other interests or activities or friends for your child to do instead. Focus on whom you’d like your child to be with, instead of the friends you disapprove of.

And if the kid is clearly a “bad” influences, i.e., drugs, shoplifting, etc. (which generally is more of a problem for kids aged 11 and older), make this the time to set new standards, which includes forbidding seeing each other anytime the law is broken.

Eventually, say both experts, many of these relationships tend to fade away. The important thing is really determining whether or not your child is at risk of being a “follower” of these rebel friends. “Usually kids choose friends with similar values so anytime you see your child choosing someone as a friend with dramatically different point of view, it’s a red flag. Think about what’s fueling the relationship; ask why is he choosing the friends? It’s the question parents over overlook.”

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