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The Real Difference Between Boys and Girls

By Armin Brott

Not all that long ago, people used to think that there were no real differences between boys and girls — except for the obvious anatomical ones, of course. Any behavioral differences were supposedly the result of socialization, and were imposed on children by their parents and their environment.

But more recently, researchers have been confirming what just about anyone with kids has known for years: boys and girls are different, and some of the differences are present perhaps even before they’re born.

  • Boys are a little bigger than girls — about 10% heavier and longer at birth. Even after taking into account these size differences, first-time mothers spend almost 100 minutes longer in labor with a son than a daughter. This leads to increased birth trauma, which may explain why boys tend to be a little more irritable in their first weeks outside the womb, crying more and sleeping less than girls.
  • Boys take in less sensory data than girls. They taste less, see less and don’t exhibit the same need to be touched that girls do. They also hear less in one ear than the other, meaning they can’t pick up background noises as well as girls can. This may account for parents’ later perceptions that boys tend to “ignore” more than girls. It may also account for why girls typically learn to speak before boys do, sometimes by as much as a year.
  • Girls and boys really do play differently, with the old stereotype holding true: boys are rougher and more energetic, while girls like to pretend and mimic. Girls also seem to have a more developed sense of empathy than boys.

But the biggest differences between boys and girls might just be the way we treat them. Fathers, tend to vocalize more with infant sons than daughters. They’re more rough and tumble with their sons and a little less physical with daughters. They’re a little less likely to hug or snuggle a son than a daughter. They’re also more likely to encourage and support sons’ quests for exploration and discovery than daughters’. This plays out in responding a little more quickly to a fussy girl than a fussy boy, or by picking up a toddler daughter who’s fallen down sooner than an infant boy. Mothers do a better job of treating their boys and girls the same, but they, too, make some distinctions. Boys are allowed to cross the street alone earlier, to stay away from home more and to explore a wider area of their neighborhood than are girls. (Keep in mind that I’m talking about tendencies. There are plenty of people who don’t fit the mold. But for the most part, things shake out like this.)

The upside of this kind of thing is that it encourages boys to be independent and teaches them to learn to solve their own problems without adult intervention. The downside, though, is that boys get less supervision and, as a result, are more likely to be injured than girls. As for girls, parents who step in to rescue their daughter before she is truly “stuck” not only deprive her of a chance to overcome obstacles on her own, but may also be sending the message that they have no faith in her ability to do so.

Interestingly, when it comes to gender roles, mothers and fathers are equally inflexible: both will dress a girl in blue or pink and will encourage her to play with dolls or trucks. But they’d never put a boy in pink and they give more positive feedback to boys who play with trucks and superhero toys than to boys who play with dolls or like wearing barrettes in their hair.

The bottom line is that yes, boys and girls are different. But while some of the differences are biological, we have the power to monitor our own behavior to make sure that our kids’ biology doesn’t become their destiny. There’s a big difference between playing quieter games with a girl and using her gender as an excuse to discourage her from getting involved in certain activities. Differences between the sexes doesn’t mean that one gender is better or worse or smarter or dumber than the other.

So if you’re interested in reducing the chances that your kids — boys or girls — will end up trapped in a set of gender-based behaviors, treat a daughter the same way you’d treat a son. She won’t break. In fact, she’ll benefit enormously.

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