articles
Teasing: Harmless or Hurtful?
Dear Dr. Dellasega,
Boys tease my daughter Lana all the time. She is eleven, quiet and perhaps a bit chubby, but is very sweet. I only know this to be true because her sister who is one year younger told me about it. How should I handle this?
Colette
Dear Colette,
Teasing: it’s such a difficult behavior to decipher but one of the common complaints I hear about, too. Both boys and girls have told me that sometimes they tease each other in ways that have nothing to do with humiliation — in fact, they claim it can be a sign of affection. An unspoken rule two girls shared with me was that if they both knew the other was “teasing” their feelings wouldn’t be hurt. The problem is, of course, if the “rule” isn’t spoken it’s easily misunderstood or wrongly interpreted.
Since Lana hasn’t come to you to talk about the situation, you need more information. Ask your younger daughter to suggest that Lana talk to you about it herself, or have it brought up in conversation in as natural a way as possible so Lana doesn’t feel spied on or betrayed by her sister. See if you can figure out the specific boy(s) involved in the teasing, and what is being said. I’ve noticed a disturbing trend toward sexually harassing behaviors disguised as teasing by boys, so make sure to rule that out.
Next, have a private talk with Lana to see how she feels about the teasing. Perhaps it really doesn’t bother her, as happens for some girls. On the other hand, if she is upset, brainstorm solutions that do and don’t involve you intervening on her behalf. (Dads can be especially helpful in this regard.) Regardless of her feelings, it’s important during this time to find some healthy male relationships for Lana so she doesn’t accept this experience as typical. Follow up with a conversation that includes her younger sister, so they both know you are there to help and protect them as needed.
articles by subject
Here’s the full list of topics and articles our advocates have contributed. We’ll be adding more soon, so please check back.
School
Help Her Embrace Her Math Smarts
Overly Competitive Team Sports
Dolls & Playtime
The Real Difference Between Boys and Girls
Friends, Family & Values
Kids and Materialism: Advice for Parents
Saying No to Friendly Temptation
When Good Friends Are a Bad Influence
Emotional Health
3 Steps to Better Emotional Health
6 Easy Steps Toward Making Peace with Your Choices
7 Steps to Getting a Grip on Judgment
