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Mom, Everyone Else Is!
“Mom, I don’t know why you are making such a big deal about this — everyone else does…” Whether it’s wearing clothes that make you cringe or cheating on a homework assignment, mothers are inevitably faced with this question — why is it a big deal to us when our daughters make the choices that they believe everyone else is making? The answer: peer pressure. Mothers and sociologists have been trying to find satisfying answers for decades.
Before you try to answer your daughter’s questions, do a little homework of your own. Write out your commitments to your daughter. Let your commitments reflect the mother you long to be. Here are a few ideas to get you started:
- I am committed to loving you, even when you are mad at me.
- I am committed to keeping you safe, even when you believe that I am overreacting.
- I am committed to being informed and knowledgeable about your world, even when you think I don’t have a clue.
- I am committed to remembering who you are, because you might forget.
- I am committed to listening to you — to try to understand, not to wait for my turn to give a lecture.
- I am committed to always forgiving you, loving you and believing in you.
Next, write out a vision statement for your daughter. In fact, write one every few months. Include her talents, quirks, past accomplishments and experiences, expressed desires, character qualities. Keep this vision statement everywhere — in your bathroom, by your bedside, in your glove box, in your secret stash of Hot Tamales and M&M’s (doesn’t every mom have one of those?)
If you are going to convince your daughter that the choices she makes are a big deal, she will need to know — heart and soul — that she is a big deal to you. Make it a habit to look at old pictures of your daughter, cards she has drawn, school papers she has written. Recall times when your daughter has revealed the best of herself.
Set aside a few hours (when you are not in conflict) to share these reflections with your daughter. Don’t share them with an agenda of lecturing or punishing her, but simply to let her know how much she means to you and how much you think about her. When your own vision of your daughter is clear and your faith in her is strong, then you will be in a much more powerful position to tell her over and over again, with personal and passionate conviction, why her choices are a big deal. Bottom line: bad choices can take her far away from who she is and who she is meant to be. And this is a tragedy that you, as her mother, never want her to experience.
Taken from Mom, Everyone Else Does! Becoming Your Daughter’s Ally in Responding to Peer Pressure, by Sharon A. Hersh, Colorado Springs: Shaw Books, 2005.
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The Real Difference Between Boys and Girls
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Kids and Materialism: Advice for Parents
Saying No to Friendly Temptation
When Good Friends Are a Bad Influence
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3 Steps to Better Emotional Health
6 Easy Steps Toward Making Peace with Your Choices
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